Mindful Parenting: How brain-based parenting supports emotional regulation and deepens parent-child connections
Meghan O'Malley Doubraski, LPC is a family counselor and parenting coach. Her clients often ask her why children act out or can't seem to calm down. Fortunately, Meghan has discovered effective approaches for calming anxious children. Her brain-based approaches have shifted generations of unhelpful parenting patterns and powerfully changed the way adults interact with children. Meghan O'Malley Doubraski, LPC wrote the following highly informative article especially for you. I asked her to write this enlightening piece because of the many similarities that exist between her parenting approach and my meditation for children philosophies. These likenesses include, brain research, mindfulness, and artistic expression.
In our culture, adults function almost exclusively from their left-brain hemispheres. As we grow older we are taught to be logical, reasonable, verbal, and factual in order to be “adult-like.” Moreover, many people consider overly emotional responses as weak or unstable. Children, on the other hand, often function from the right hemisphere—the deeply feeling, sensing, intuitive, and imaginative side of the brain. The good news is children invite adults to come back to feeling and sensing (right brain), while adults teach children concrete skills that help children effectively handle life's challenges (left brain).
However, due to the differences between the brain hemispheres, parents and children often speak in different languages. Let’s consider temper tantrums and adolescent rages, which are rooted in the right side of the brain. Adults often meet these behaviors with lectures and logic—left hemisphere tactics. However, when a child reacts with great emotion, their fiery and emotional right hemisphere will not settle down until it is acknowledged and understood, not lectured at. An emotionally flooded brain is in “survival mode,” defending itself against danger or injury. For this reason, children in this state are not receptive and open to learning. This is why parent lectures during a tantrum are ineffective. Even the most helpful parental guidance simply won’t sink in. To remedy these situations, consider the following helpful tips:
It isn't about what is said, as much as HOW it is said.
Voice tone and volume are important. When a child raises their voice, resist meeting them with your loud voice. Instead use your lowered tone to invite them into a more calm state. The right hemisphere is highly attuned to these subtleties of communication. Even if your child does not understand your words, the essence or emotional undercurrent of the communication is very much registered in the child's brain.
The discovery of Mirror Neurons prove that the limbic circuitry of mammals has developed such that we are able to sense the internal states of others. This is especially true in attachment-based relationships, such as between a parent and child. If parents calm themselves while their child is upset, the child will sense this. Children will literally follow a parent's emotional lead.
Connect through the senses and the body.
With younger children, you may want to hand them a soft stuffed animal or blanket to rub, some silly putty to squeeze, or any other item that is comforting for the child and helps them focus on experiencing in a sensory way. Consider creating a “chill out” box of items that encourage regulation and calming. Another way to connect to the sensations in the body is through mindful, deep breathing. I recommend parents take a few full breaths with their child and together notice how the air feels moving through their nostrils and how their chests feel rising and falling. This will calm emotions and minimize any embarrassment that the child may experience while doing something new.
Studies show, simply noticing physical sensations in the body (mindfulness practice) encourages central nervous system regulation.
Use art to allow the creative right hemisphere to express itself without words.
Parents can also include art supplies in the “chill out” box. When a child is upset offer the supplies and encourage the child to draw what they are feeling. After completing their art (which may be a literal drawing of an event or an angry scribble), give the child a choice about what to do with the art. The child may want to talk about the picture (or not), they may want to hang the art up somewhere to continue processing it, or they may want to rip it to pieces, bury it outside, or otherwise destroy it.
Through the creative process, children are able to acknowledge and experience the feelings in their bodies and then move on. Having tools to experience emotions in a safe and empowering way teaches children that they don't need to suppress or avoid hard feelings.
Use the sensory language of touch and parental attachment to soothe the emotional fire and then use verbal reflection to acknowledge the child's internal state.
Use touch as a first response (assuming there is not a history of touch being an emotional trigger for the child). If your child is in a heightened emotional state, walk over and calmly stand beside them to gently rub their back or gently put an arm around them. If speaking, use concise statements in a soft and calm voice that reflect the child's emotional state and give a message of support. This is a sensory and verbal nod of acknowledgment to the emotional brain. For example, “I can tell this is hard. I am here,” “you seem really sad right now” or simply “I love you.” Then allow space and quiet. Many times, this space, touch, and quiet allows the child to begin to come into a more regulated state. Parents are often amazed at how much their child responds to this. You may see the child soften physically (facial expressions and muscle tension) and then talk about what is going on inside instead of using their energy to resist the parent.
Verbal language is created in the left hemisphere. Think of it as the logical labeling system for highly complex, sensory-based emotional responses to life. Once the intense emotional experience gets a nod of acknowledgment, it can begin to soften and move along. This soothing of the emotional brain creates a receptive environment for learning. Parents can then use their left hemisphere skills to support their child in understanding what happened and why they were upset, which are skills cultivated in the left hemisphere.
Mindful parenting invites children to learn about their emotional experiences instead of reacting to them. It also helps children engage in problem solving with your support, and teaches them to make empowered choices about how to handle future emotional challenges. Practicing these skills builds emotional resiliency and literally supports healthy, balanced development of a child's brain.
Meghan O'Malley Doubraski, LPC is a professional counselor in Asheville, NC. In addition to traditional thoughts-based approaches to psychotherapy, Meghan relies on mind-body philosophies, biofeedback, somatic psychotherapy, and applied neuroscience. In 2014, Meghan began attending Coach training through the Coaches Training Institute, the largest and oldest coach training school in the world. She provides phone-based parent coaching in addition to meeting with clients in person in NC. If you are interested in learning more about Meghan’s work, please visit http://www.meghandoubraski.com/
Article written by Sarah Wood Vallely Copyright 2014 Sarah Wood Vallely
In our culture, adults function almost exclusively from their left-brain hemispheres. As we grow older we are taught to be logical, reasonable, verbal, and factual in order to be “adult-like.” Moreover, many people consider overly emotional responses as weak or unstable. Children, on the other hand, often function from the right hemisphere—the deeply feeling, sensing, intuitive, and imaginative side of the brain. The good news is children invite adults to come back to feeling and sensing (right brain), while adults teach children concrete skills that help children effectively handle life's challenges (left brain).
However, due to the differences between the brain hemispheres, parents and children often speak in different languages. Let’s consider temper tantrums and adolescent rages, which are rooted in the right side of the brain. Adults often meet these behaviors with lectures and logic—left hemisphere tactics. However, when a child reacts with great emotion, their fiery and emotional right hemisphere will not settle down until it is acknowledged and understood, not lectured at. An emotionally flooded brain is in “survival mode,” defending itself against danger or injury. For this reason, children in this state are not receptive and open to learning. This is why parent lectures during a tantrum are ineffective. Even the most helpful parental guidance simply won’t sink in. To remedy these situations, consider the following helpful tips:
It isn't about what is said, as much as HOW it is said.
Voice tone and volume are important. When a child raises their voice, resist meeting them with your loud voice. Instead use your lowered tone to invite them into a more calm state. The right hemisphere is highly attuned to these subtleties of communication. Even if your child does not understand your words, the essence or emotional undercurrent of the communication is very much registered in the child's brain.
The discovery of Mirror Neurons prove that the limbic circuitry of mammals has developed such that we are able to sense the internal states of others. This is especially true in attachment-based relationships, such as between a parent and child. If parents calm themselves while their child is upset, the child will sense this. Children will literally follow a parent's emotional lead.
Connect through the senses and the body.
With younger children, you may want to hand them a soft stuffed animal or blanket to rub, some silly putty to squeeze, or any other item that is comforting for the child and helps them focus on experiencing in a sensory way. Consider creating a “chill out” box of items that encourage regulation and calming. Another way to connect to the sensations in the body is through mindful, deep breathing. I recommend parents take a few full breaths with their child and together notice how the air feels moving through their nostrils and how their chests feel rising and falling. This will calm emotions and minimize any embarrassment that the child may experience while doing something new.
Studies show, simply noticing physical sensations in the body (mindfulness practice) encourages central nervous system regulation.
Use art to allow the creative right hemisphere to express itself without words.
Parents can also include art supplies in the “chill out” box. When a child is upset offer the supplies and encourage the child to draw what they are feeling. After completing their art (which may be a literal drawing of an event or an angry scribble), give the child a choice about what to do with the art. The child may want to talk about the picture (or not), they may want to hang the art up somewhere to continue processing it, or they may want to rip it to pieces, bury it outside, or otherwise destroy it.
Through the creative process, children are able to acknowledge and experience the feelings in their bodies and then move on. Having tools to experience emotions in a safe and empowering way teaches children that they don't need to suppress or avoid hard feelings.
Use the sensory language of touch and parental attachment to soothe the emotional fire and then use verbal reflection to acknowledge the child's internal state.
Use touch as a first response (assuming there is not a history of touch being an emotional trigger for the child). If your child is in a heightened emotional state, walk over and calmly stand beside them to gently rub their back or gently put an arm around them. If speaking, use concise statements in a soft and calm voice that reflect the child's emotional state and give a message of support. This is a sensory and verbal nod of acknowledgment to the emotional brain. For example, “I can tell this is hard. I am here,” “you seem really sad right now” or simply “I love you.” Then allow space and quiet. Many times, this space, touch, and quiet allows the child to begin to come into a more regulated state. Parents are often amazed at how much their child responds to this. You may see the child soften physically (facial expressions and muscle tension) and then talk about what is going on inside instead of using their energy to resist the parent.
Verbal language is created in the left hemisphere. Think of it as the logical labeling system for highly complex, sensory-based emotional responses to life. Once the intense emotional experience gets a nod of acknowledgment, it can begin to soften and move along. This soothing of the emotional brain creates a receptive environment for learning. Parents can then use their left hemisphere skills to support their child in understanding what happened and why they were upset, which are skills cultivated in the left hemisphere.
Mindful parenting invites children to learn about their emotional experiences instead of reacting to them. It also helps children engage in problem solving with your support, and teaches them to make empowered choices about how to handle future emotional challenges. Practicing these skills builds emotional resiliency and literally supports healthy, balanced development of a child's brain.
Meghan O'Malley Doubraski, LPC is a professional counselor in Asheville, NC. In addition to traditional thoughts-based approaches to psychotherapy, Meghan relies on mind-body philosophies, biofeedback, somatic psychotherapy, and applied neuroscience. In 2014, Meghan began attending Coach training through the Coaches Training Institute, the largest and oldest coach training school in the world. She provides phone-based parent coaching in addition to meeting with clients in person in NC. If you are interested in learning more about Meghan’s work, please visit http://www.meghandoubraski.com/
Article written by Sarah Wood Vallely Copyright 2014 Sarah Wood Vallely
