June 2007

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Finding Ourselves in our Children

Have you ever heard the metaphysical principle we are all one? What does this assumption really mean? Does it suggest the world is one being, and we are all a part of it? Or, does it mean we are one yet separate with distinct roles and responsibilities? We are one because we are reflections of one another. People sometimes say, we can only see in others what we see in ourselves. When we notice kindness in our neighbor, we acknowledge our own kindness. Interestingly, we often see in others what is difficult for us to see in ourselves, whether this be kindness, joy, pain or anger.

Children are our reflection. When a child brings us joy, he uncovers our expressed or repressed joy. Likewise, the frustrated tantrum-throwing child mirrors the fiery spirit within us who so desperately wants to explode when we don’t get what we want. The challenge is trusting that even though some of us have never thought of ourselves as fiery, explosive and easily disappointed, we are all these emotions deep inside. We are one because the world around us reflects who we are, even though many of these reflections lie beyond our day-to-day awareness.

The Technique
Using a Non-Critical Self-reflective Technique, parents can become aware of what their child is mirroring to them. Parents can understand the root cause of this dynamic, and learn how to heal the cause and move forward. This technique involves closing your eyes and connecting with your higher-self or if you prefer – your inner wisdom or subconscious. This is a meditation because we are not looking outside for answers.

Although many self-reflective practices ask you to evaluate your behavior and make judgments about what you should have done or should not have done, this technique is completely non-critical. This is not about right or wrong. Instead this activity is a catalyst for a shift in perspective from Why is this happening to me? to Now I understand why this is happening; I get it now!

And lastly, this Non-critical Self-reflective Technique facilitates healing that can be enjoyed by parents with children as young as infants to full-grown adults. After all, conflicts with your children do not end the day they turn eighteen. The relationship between parent and child is often karmic and carries great power throughout a parent’s life - power to change, heal and evolve our many selves. How you understand these selves depends on your perspective and background (i.e. Eastern, religious or metaphysical).

A True Story
Here is how this Non-critical Self-Reflective Technique played out for a mom and her child’s chaotic bedtime:

Bedtime arrived for Lisa’s three-year-old son. Most nights were smooth, however, each night this week had become progressively more difficult. Tonight Lisa helped Dayle brush his teeth, and she read him four books. When time came for goodnight kisses, Dayle jumped out of bed, ran to the door, reached for the light and announced he was not tired.

Lisa felt certain Dayle was tired, maybe even over-tired. A similar episode happened the night before, and their goodnight ritual turned sour. Lisa felt angry, tired and frustrated. Her husband helped, but after trying almost everything, he still could not get Dayle to go to sleep. Lisa decided to let Dayle stay up longer to burn off his energy. However, he went to bed too late and woke up tired. Lisa did not want to repeat this tactic.

Tonight Lisa was out of answers from the starting gate. Frustrated, tired and unconfident, Lisa dropped her head in her hands and began to meditate in the presence of her jumping, light-flickering child, proclaiming his non-tiredness. Lisa first asked herself “What am I frustrated about specifically?” She heard, “I am frustrated because Dayle is turning something so simple – going to bed – into a complicated matter.”

Lisa asked to see a pattern of turning the simple into the complicated. She saw various memories, one during high school when she turned a simple science assignment into an overly-complicated project. Other events revolved around complex relationships. Lisa remembered a relationship with an old boyfriend, ten years ago. Lisa and this man experienced minor conflict. However, Lisa viewed their conflict as extreme and complex. This complicated perspective lead to arguments and later their breakup.

At that moment Lisa realized she needed to calmly and confidently tell her son, “When you get in bed, I’ll lie next to you.” Dayle said, “Okay,” and crawled into bed. Lisa lay down with him and returned to her meditation. Lisa asked what she needed to bring harmony to her situation. Lisa felt her answer. The feeling was a need to look at each moment individually and ask herself, “What can I do to simplify.”

Lisa followed this advice. She incorporated simplicity into her own life, and her son far less often mirrored her pattern of turning the simple into the complicated. Bedtime became easier, and other transitions ran smoother for both Lisa and Dayle.

Overcoming Obstacles
Like most parents, you are probably wondering how you could possibly add this technique into your busy life. During Lisa’s story, she did not need absolute quiet; nor did she need a special time set aside to meditate. She meditated in the midst of chaos. Also, Lisa stopped and started her meditation. This option works well for parents.

The other concern parents often have about this kind of work is their lack of meditation experience. Many parents who use this technique were new to meditation. Parents don’t need to perform a perfect technique. During this story, Lisa missed a step and she still found the technique incredibly helpful.

Of those parents who have meditated before, some believe they cannot meditate because they don’t hear things or see things when they meditate. In this story, Lisa heard, saw and felt her answers. Parents who use this technique use whatever senses personally work the best for them.

How it Works
This technique has ten steps:

1. Think about the specific frustration or discomfort your child brings up for you. For example, what is the button your child pushes? (You might, for example, be frustrated that your child makes you late to places. Or you might feel concern about your child not sleeping.)
2. Close your eyes, take a few deep breaths, invite a feeling of total trust, and welcome unconditional love and safety.
3. Think about the button (that is, the frustration) you have chosen.
4. Ask what fears this button brings up. “When I feel like this, I am afraid ______ will happen.”
5. Ask to see a pattern in your life related to this fear or button. Invite memories to pop into your mind.
6. Ask to see a significant past event that might have caused your pattern. (Trust whatever pops into your mind. Take your time; allow this memory to arrive in its own way and its own time.)
7. When you are in your past, experiencing the event, connect with who you were at that time. What do you feel? What are you thinking?
8. Ask yourself, What did you decide? (About yourself or the world.)
9. Ask your higher-self what you can do to bring harmony to this situation.
10. Thank yourself.

After your meditation:
1. Notice how your child has helped you become aware of and heal a part of yourself.
2. Commit to following through with the advice you heard your higher-self share with you about bringing harmony to the situation.
3. Tell someone about your experience, if you feel comfortable doing so.

Let this Non-critical Self-reflective Technique show you how stress can inspire and chaos can cause relief. And know that the best answers to your parenting questions lie within your reach.